Why am I the Witness?
by Klowag
Summary: Mark finds himslef falling for Roger until he catches on something.


Disclaimer- The characters are Jonathan Larson's and not mine.

It's my first fan fiction so be nice. Review if you can please.

Why am I the Witness?

I stirred in my bed. Why couldn't I sleep? The face in my mind, I can't get it off. I can't breath. Everything seems to be spinning.

"MARK!" I heard a worried cry. It's just a dream…but I'm awake. "Mark! Mark _wake up_!" I opened my eyes and there he was. I was startled to see his face so close to mine. He was kneeling by my bedside, grabbing on to my shoulders.

I sat up in bed, sweating. "Mark, are you okay? I could hear you screaming from next door. What happened?" his voice was low like he was sorry he woke me or something. I was screaming? But I didn't even get to sleep. "It's nothing Roge. Just a bad dream"

I felt something moving down both my cheeks. Not now, I can't cry. I have to tell him sooner or later. "Are you sure?" he began to wipe the silver tears off of my cheeks. "Uh…yeah, really." I felt myself blush. Not now, please. I managed a small grin and I lay back in bed facing away from him. "Well, um, good night Roger."

He left. Not even a goodnight? He shut the door behind him and, GOD! Why am I so stupid! I could've told him but no, I had to chicken out. Why do I always screw up? Still frustrated I decide to give sleep a chance and try.

---

I looked at my watch- seven A.M. Crap, I don't want to get up yet, but I better fix breakfast for both of us. I stood up in bed and got dressed, which was a regular routine for me. Waking up Roger was also a routine, though I never get tired of it.

I was surprised to see Roger up and making coffee. "Sleep all right?" he just finished pouring coffee into two mugs. "Yeah, I did actually. And by the way, thanks for coming to my bedroom last night. I don't really know what happened." He began to drink his coffee, only to spit it into the sink because he forgot it was hot. "You okay Roge?" the boy was holding his mouth and wiping it with a towel. "I Forgot I just made it."

I took my mug off the counter and we both sat on the couch. He began to drink again but carefully and slowly this time. "You want ice cream?" I couldn't think of anything to say. He looked at me like I was a mad man. "Ice cream at, what time is it…" He took my left hand and looked at my watch, "... about seven in the morning?" Shit! That was stupid. "Sure, why not?" I was surprised he wanted ice cream. "Ok. Here, give me your coffee." I took his mug and placed it back on the counter along with mine.

I opened the freezer (I'm surprised we even had one) and took out the chocolate ice cream. It was his favorite especially with chocolate syrup, fudge, marshmallows and of course, the whipped cream. I made two ice creams, exactly with same toppings, put them into cups, and returned to the couch with a couple of spoons.

I handed Roger a cup of ice cream, complete with his favorite toppings. He started eating his, figuring it could help cool down his tongue. I just thought of something. I scooped whipped cream into my hand and wiped it on Roger's nose. We do it all the time, like we were brothers.

He saw what I was trying to do. He dipped his fingers in the chocolate syrup and wiped it down both my cheeks. He licked the syrup off his fingers and started laughing.

I looked behind me to get a towel. When I turned around our lips unexpectedly met. I saw his eyes widen and I was struck with fear. Now I have to _really_ tell him. He pulled back. Obviously, he was trying to put syrup on my nose, but he leaned to close to me. The loft was silent for almost five minutes.

"Roger I have to tell you something." I was beginning to choke on my words from fear. "We've been best friends for almost fourteen years since junior high," his face was filled with confusion, anxiety and fear. "And along those years, I, well…umm." Fuck! I have to do this. Don't back down now. Rogers face was getting red from all the waiting. "Roger, I always loved you. I loved you not only like a brother but more. I don't know if I'm gay or bi for loving you. But you're Roger. You're…perfect."

I felt like a heavy load just dropped from my chest. I wiped my face with the towel and gave it to Roger. He did the same but he was quiet. "Roge, I'm sorry if I kept it a secret for a long time." I fell on my back on the couch. I stared at the ceiling, holding back my tears. "Sorry I kept it too." The musician whispered. I could feel the guilt from him, for not telling me. He lay down beside me on the couch.

"I always loved it when you filmed me while I was writing music. I know I acted like I hated it but I didn't." he held on to my hand. I felt him tremble. "I loved you too for all this years." I looked at him and pressed my lips against his. He tried to pull away but finally gave up. Every moment of the kiss lasted forever. The passionate time we shared just by lying there on the couch. The talk we had about each other.

He broke free. He smiled at me and tears fell from his eyes. I felt my cheeks were wet too. He moved towards me to give another kiss. I closed my eyes and felt his mouth meet mine. His tongue moved across my lips. I loved the moment. At least we share the same feelings. The kiss became more passionate every second, more…

---

I woke up in my bed. Tears fell from my eyes. "PLEASE! NO MORE DREAMS OF HIM. NO MORE DREAMS ABOUT ANYONE!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I stood up and threw myself at the wall. I started to cry hysterically. I wanted someone to come and comfort me but I knew no one will. Is this really my life? Being alone in the world, in my apartment, in my love life?

December 24th, 1992, 11 P.M . . . everyone's been dead for the past eight months and I've been living in the apartment by myself. Therapy never worked and sleeping pills only gave me more dreams. I even miss Benny. Every pain of isolation and depression struck me. I regretted every fun moment that I turned down just to finish my film. The floor was wet from all the tears I cried. I don't care that it's Christmas Eve. Never again will I be with them again.

I miss Roger playing the guitar, Mimi constantly trying to get Roger to leave the loft, Maureen always looking at some guy or girl across the street, Joanne getting insanely jealous but hides it from her lover, Collins making everyone smile with one of his Santa Fe dreams, Angel comforting anyone who needs it even when tension is rising, and Benny always calling to tell us to pay the rent. I miss them all.

---

There is one way, I thought. I went to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. There it was, my only ticket to being with them again. Roger's blue pocket knife was placed at the very bottom of the cabinet. I took it and let the blade out. Am I really gonna do this? More tears filled my eyes.

I went outside to the loft and sat on the couch. I stared at the blade. I had to do it. I placed the blade on my wrist and pressed hard on it as I can. Blood spilled everywhere. I cried out loud. I didn't know if I was crying from the depression or my wrist. I did the same to my other wrist. "SHIT!" Blood was all over the floor and on my clothes. I didn't care anymore cause I'll be back with everyone else. I rested my back on the couch as I felt my life being drained away.

Everything went black. Then, I saw a white light. It reminds me of Mimi's near death experience. I heard voices calling out my name. I saw all of them, waiting for me. I saw Roger holding out his hand to me. "We'll always be with you Mark." my guitarist smiled at me. I reached for his hand and…

I woke up. Everything was drenched in blood, the floor, the couch, me. Why can't the pain end? Why do I have to suffer? I cried, and I lied down the couch, blood still flowing out of my wrists."I, guess it's just me…forever." I felt something caress my shoulders. "ROGER?" I turned around and saw no one but the guitar, the guitar that was played 12 hours a day for ten days a week. I grinned a little, knowing how Roger was really dedicated to his music.

I fell asleep. We were having fun at the Life Café. I was back with all of them. I finally get to spend my time with my friends. From that time I fell asleep, they took me with them. Never in my life…did I ever wake up again and trust me, I don't want to wake up.


End file.
